on being ambitious and having family

On being ambitious and having a family

I have been thinking about writing this for a couple of days. And then

I ran into Aspazia's post commenting on the Dear Cary letter from

Salon about mom identity crisis. Let's just say I can relate.

Those of you who have met me personally or who are long time readers

will know that I've had numerous issues with Geeky Boy and school.

I've been reassured this is a boy thing and that with enough support

and prodding, he will eventually figure it out. That doesn't help my

anxiety at this moment, though. I constantly think that if I just

stayed home, this would not be a problem. And last night over dinner,

I asked Geeky Boy what his ideal education would look like and he

answered, "Homeschooling. Having you teach me." We were talking about

how none of us likes being lectured at and how learning shouldn't be

about that and he said, "Well, then, my teachers are doing it wrong."

Sigh. I know.

If I just identified myself as a mom, I probably never would have

returned to work and I might indeed have homeschooled, or at the very

least, spent more time talking to his teachers about what's going on,

or researching alternative schools or something. Or, if I didn't care

about my work, my career, I'd take more time off to manage all of

this. Managing a family takes a lot of work, more work than a

two-career couple can really manage. Both Mr. Geeky and I care about

our work to the point of working at night and on weekends a fair

amount. What that means is that laundry doesn't get done, groceries

don't get bought, homework doesn't get followed up on, things fall

apart.

I have ideas about doing things careerwise and they all involve

sacrifices for my family and so sometimes I outright dismiss them.

Moving, spending a lot of time outside of work, or financial

sacrifices. These are all things that seem easier to manage if you

don't have to think about its effects on children or partners.

The irony is, I'm a firm believer in the "put your own oxygen mask on

first" philosophy of parenting. Complete personal sacrifice isn't good

for parent or child. However, I have a hard time just saying, "To hell

with how this affects the kids, I'm doing it." Every choice I make I

have to think about the rest of the family. And sometimes, quite

frankly, that's paralyzing. To the writer of the Dear Cary letter, I

say, it doesn't matter whether you identify yourself as a mom or not,

it's going to affect everything from here on out. And I have to say,